Tomorrow!!!
EeeeeeEEEEEEKKKKKKKKkkkkkEEeeeKKKKKKkkkkk!!!!!
I can tell I'm getting married tomorrow, because I paid to have hairs ripped out of my eyebrows.
(my sister is now going to be "contained")
Someone tell me why I'm at work today???
Wahoo!!! I'm getting married!!!
Filed under Let's Get Married!
I'M GETTING MARRIED THIS MONTH!!!
Status Report
Jewellery: Check
Shoes: Checkorama!
Outfit: Checkish
[Number of times outfit has been sewn to self: Once
Number of times outfit has been sewn to dummy: Once]
Underwears: Check
Venue: Check
Music: Check
Theme Songs: Not Check!!!
Suit for Yehia: Not Check!!!
Ring for Yehia: Not Check!!!
Photographer: Not Check!!!
Guests: Check
Person to make it all legal and stuff: Check
Hooray: Check!
Filed under Let's Get Married!
Wedding Dress Idea #7776: Warrior Princess
I'm getting married this year, and I'm going to make my dress...
Leaping off her winged steed, the Warrior Princess Bride flicks her hair scornfully in the direction of all those people who say "You're doing it all your way", and marches boldly to her groom's side.
As she takes her roast turkey leg from the minions and begins to chomp, the full glory of the Warrior Princess Bride's outfit can be seen. Her lovely bosom is encased in the finest leather corset, accentuated by a filigree brass breastplate. Her pert buttocks are barely covered by her wee little skirt, complete with brass studs, pins and doodads. Long brown lace-up boots have the requisite bridal stiletto (you just can't find bridal shoes without a stiletto heel these days, you know!). Her arms and hands are protected by matching brass filigree gauntlets, designed to both protect and accentuate her perfect manicure. A sword and dagger on her belt and a crossbow across her back complete this Warrior Princess Bride's outfit.
She's angry, bloodthirsty and merciless. Come too close and you'll hear her low, rumbling growl. The Warrior Princess Bride will tolerate no dissent in her legions, and will quash rebellion with one steely look. Likewise, champagne will suffer the terrifying scrutiny of her almighty palate. Gods will be vanquished, villages burned and hair flicked. She arm-wrestles monsters, punches through solid rock, kicks down doors and knocks out opponents with a single flick of her hair - all accompanied by witty and cutting quips. Beware those who spurn her selection of canapes.
"You know her? Of course, you know her. You're a "Who's Who" of Warriors." - Gabrielle
Filed under Let's Get Married!
Come, come!
The invitations have arrived! Gold and Brown and Looooovely. OooooooOOOooooooohhhhh!!!
Now to decide who gets them...
Filed under Exciting Acquisitions, Let's Get Married!, Super Dooper
I'm a bad bride...
I was feeling girly yesterday, so I bought a wedding magazine*. There was a wee little book inside it, the "Wedding Planning Workbook". It's got a timeline approaching the Big Day, with all the things that we should have already done.
Apparently at this stage, with 72 sleeps before we get hitched I should already have:
Ordered flowers.
Bought wedding rings.
Had makeup and hair trials.
Ordered Cake.
Booked photographer.
Booked music.
Booked celebrant.
Planned dream honeymoon.
Handmade unique and individual bonbonnieres.
Lost 29.8 kilos.
Had facelift.
Toned arse.
Had boob enhancement.
Had laser surgery.
Removed all hair below eyebrows with laser.
Timetabled event to the millisecond.
Organised contingency plan.
Coordinated "MotherOfBride" and "MotherOfGroom" outfits, preferably to match the flowers.
Edited all speeches.
Hmmm. So far we have booked the venue, told a few people, ordered the invitations, bought 46.3 meters of fabric for The Outfit.
Shit.
*I have now put away the wedding magazine, and I'm pretending that none of this ever happened.
Filed under EEEEeeekk!!!, Exciting Acquisitions, Let's Get Married!, So they said...
Wedding Dress Idea #1013: Unappreciated Fairytale Character
I'm getting married this year, and I'm going to make my dress...
Snow White, Jasmine, Ariel, Cinderella and Belle - step aside! The Unappreciated Fairytale Character Bride has the best of the rest: the appetite of Gretel, the melancholy of the Little Match Girl, the Pea of the Princess, the scissors of Rose Red, the thumb of Thumbelina, the chastity of Maid Marion. Does she have one eye, two eyes or three eyes? Can she spin straw into gold? Who knows - but this mystery Unappreciated Fairytale Character Bride has been ignored for too long, and now she's going to take centre stage!
With all the wit of Scheherazade the Unappreciated Fairytale Character Bride will banish those predictable Disney girls to the pages, and stand in the spotlight. She wears the most shimmeriest gown ever seen, made of moonbeams and sunbeams and starlight (for some reason she's wearing a red hood with it, even though it SO doesn't match). Her slippers are the finest kid leather, handcrafted by crazy little insomniac elves, and although she can't take them off she somehow manages to lose one. What's that in her hand? Why, it's a nutcracker! Her golden?firey?raven?chestnut? tresses hang down her delicate back in a most alluring and uncuttable way. Inevitably becoming confused by her outfit's many fairytale character influences, the Unappreciated Fairytale Character Bride sets off to See The World and Make Her Fortune, instead learning What Fear Is. Or was. Whatex.
Followed constantly by a party of frogs, billygoats, dwarves, dragons, trolls, mice and elves the Unappreciated Fairytale Character Bride wanders around, being chased by wolves and bears and nasty characters. Considering that her story is meant for children, there's a surprising amount of blood, gore, sex and drama in her story. Luckily her very own Prince Charming is there, to marry her no less, and is quite obliging in his willingness to save the day. These two will SO live happily ever after.
The Unappreciated Fairytale Character Bride is quite sure that there's a moral to her story. She's somewhat confused, though, and can't figure out what it is. Maybe she's too busy cleaning, eating, spinning, running, shrieking, sleeping, moaning, pining. Poor little Unappreciated Fairytale Character Bride.
"Into the woods, Without delay, But careful not to lose the way. Into the woods, Who knows what may be lurking on the journey?" - Steven Sondheim
Filed under Let's Get Married!
Theme Songs
The soundtrack to our wedding is a dilemma of extraordinary proportions. Difficult questions include:
Should I have a special theme song to walk in to?
Should Yehia have a special theme song too?
Should we have a dancey thing where everyone watches us dance to a theme song?
Should we have another dancey thing where everyone watches us dance with particular people to a particular theme song?
Do we have another special theme song for people to listen to when we're signing important documents?
What other opportunities are there for me to be able to subject guests to my favourite music?
Following these important questions and my general procrastinatory nature, I have decided to CHOOSE excellent songs, then CREATE moments for them. Some songs don't really lend themselves to the whole "Happy Happy Happy Day" theme, others don't lend themselves to the "Family Friendly Event" theme. Some I will play despite this.
Songs/artists that will certainly feature are as follows:
1. 99 Luft Ballons - Nena
2. Ya Rayah - Cheb Khaled, Rachid Taha, Faudel
3. Anyone Else But You - The Moldy Peaches
4. Justin Timberlake
5. Sharzy
6. Dolly Parton
7. Prince
8. David Bowie
Songs that have been deemed "unsuitable for such an occasion":
1. Sexy MF - Prince (what I wanted to walk in to, has been vetoed)
2. Tom Waits singing about alcoholism/broken hearts
3. Angry Teenager Music
What have we missed? We are now taking suggestions for any excellent songs that people might suggest for us to play at our wedding. We won't necessarily accept/decline/not laugh at suggestions given. Let us know, what are the bestest songs in the whole wide world?
Filed under Let's Get Married!, Super Dooper, Waiting
Wedding Dress Idea #2628: Rhinestone Cowgirl
I'm getting married this year, and I'm going to make my dress...
Riding into the venue on her trusty steed, Sparkles, the Rhinestone Cowgirl Bride twirls her diamond-studded lassoo over her head and shouts a hearty "Yehia!". With a flick of her spurs (heart-shaped with pink rhinestones, of course, and with no hurtie-pointy bits as she's a modern, animal-friendly Rhinestone Cowgirl Bride) Sparkles rears up, silhouetting himself and his beloved Rhinestone Cowgirl Bride perfectly against a dazzling backdrop of the setting sun.
As she rides around and around the venue, whooping and firing her diamond-encrusted pistols into the air (aiming carefully so that she doesn't shoot out the lights and rob the guests of the chance to see her outfit) the Rhinestone Cowgirl Bride's dazzling ensemble can be fully appreciated. Cherry red patent leather cowgirl boots are carefully embroidered, and embellished with lovely starry rhinestones. Her matching cherry red patent leather holster sparkles with more delicious rhinestones, sitting perfectly over her shapely hips and wee little tassled and rhinestone-studded denim hotpants. Her sparkilicious sheriff's badge is pinned sparklingly to her red and white chequered shirt, which is obviously tied up around her midriff. Of course. A delightful red scarf is tied jauntily around her lovely neck. As she turns the back of her white tassled vest can be seen, revealing the most glorious of red rhinestone hearts adorning her back. Holding down her astonishingly bouffant hair is the most extraordinary of ten-gallon hats ever worn by a bride: cherry red, embroidered and rhinestone-encrusted, it shadows her fluttering eyelashes and cherry-red lips.
What is most surprising about the Rhinestone Cowgirl Bride's outfit is that her pink ukulele, strapped securely across her back, does not clash with the copious amounts of cherry red patent leather. This Rhinestone Cowgirl Bride turns out to be a talented one as she lights an impromptu campfire in the middle of the venue with her handy rhinestone-encrusted flint, proceeding to serenade her groom and guests with mournful tunes as they wait for the beans to heat up in their tin. At the end of the evening the Rhinestone Cowgirl Bride and her lovely groom will leap up onto the trusty Sparkles, riding away into the sunset to a life of happiness, rodeos and saloons.
"In my rhinestone-studded suit, And my cowgirl high-heel boots, I must have been a sight for him to see! But he said, "Pull up a chair!" As I fumbled with my hair, A more unlikely pair you’ll never see... - Dolly Parton
Filed under Let's Get Married!
Wedding Dress Idea #3359: Roller Skating Disco Queen
I'm getting married this year, and I'm going to make my dress...
As she glides into the reception, the glitz of the Roller Skating Disco Queen Bride is only matched by her extraordinary theme-tune and the spotlight that is on her at all times. Gold lurex hotpants shimmer as she boogies through the venue; her gold and purple sequin bolero catches the flashing lights like a thousand sequined glowworms; her purple glitter tank top barely keeps her modest. The Roller Skating Disco Queen Bride's starry starry eyes, uplifted to gaze knowingly at the disco ball, are accentuated by pure gold false eyelashes and glitter adorns her sparkilicious skin. Of course this Roller Skating Disco Queen Bride has a spectacular tiara adorned with the most delightful of sequin embellishments, showing that she really is the Queen of Roller Skating Disco, as well as a bride.
Glittery gold rollerskates are, of course, the feature of this outfit. How the bootmakers managed to add wheels to the bottom of 5-inch platform over-the-knee lace-up boots is anyone's guess, but this is the only bride that could ever pull it off. Or put them on. Whatever. All that matters is that in these glitterful rollerskate boots, this Roller Skating Disco Queen Bride can move like no other.
And move this Roller Skating Disco Queen Bride does. The inevitable dance-off with the evil jealous guest who wants to steal her spunky man and take over the world is filled with flair, flips, flourishes and flouncing. The followers of the Roller Skating Disco Queen Bride will back-up dance as they have never back-up danced before, in the most beautifully choreographed spirit-finger demonstration ever seen. Of course the evil jealous guest who wants to steal her spunky man and take over the world skates wailing and crying from the venue in utter annihilated defeat, as the Roller Skating Disco Queen Bride grooves into the arms of her beloved. All is well in the land of the Roller Skating Disco Queen and her King.
"A place, where nobody dared to go... the love that we came to know, they call it Xanadu!"
Filed under Let's Get Married!
Some More Interesting Things
- Perhaps I had Dengue Fever! I told you there were lots of mosquitoes!
- Yehia just made me sign my name lots of times. Whilst he told me that it was for a "joint account", I have suspicions that he may be about to sell my kidneys to pay for the wedding.
- The Terror that Purrs in the Night (aka Spinach the cat) did not forget me while I was in Papua New Guinea, and has switched alliances from being Yehia's sidekick back to being leader of my evil minion(s). Perhaps this has motivated the sale of my kidneys.
- I have been eating lots of delicious things.
- Melbourne is very cold. I realised this when my coconut oil solidified. Also when I couldn't stop shivering. Constantly.
- There is lots of stuff here.
- The stuff is somewhat overwhelming.
- The food is somewhat delicious.
- Hooray!*
*with bits of sad, because I miss Papua New Guinea.
Filed under Crapola, EEEEeeekk!!!, Heeheehee..., Let's Get Married!, So they said..., Super Dooper
Wedding Dress Idea #8865: Superhero
I'm getting married this year, and I'm going to make my dress...
This Superhero bride has it all: underwear on the outside, thigh-high boots, fantastic hair, underwear on the outside. She can fly, she can fight, and she can throw a bouquet from here to the sun.
Her outfit is, of course, as fantastic as her Superhero feats. Fantastic pink underwear is worn on the outside of her super-fantastic purple lycra jumpsuit, matching perfectly the fantastic purple and pink cape. Her fantastic superhero boots are thigh-high and have superhero stiletto heels with which she can fantastically skewer evil foes. Her fantastic utility belt is made of the finest fantastic lycra, with all of the hooks and wires and zippie things and pokie things and gadgets required of Class-A Superheroes. It's fantastic!
Various Evil Nemeses will need to be vanquished throughout the wedding day, as must be expected. This bride's hair will not be flustered, though, as she kicks and flies her way through them to the glory and gratitude of her lovely groom. There may be times when the groom's own health is endangered, as he is tied to traintracks and/or catapulted to the moon, but this bride will be on the ball and will always save the day. Her Evil Nemeses, in a battle to destroy the world as we know it, will even try to mess up her hair - source of all of her magnificent Super Powers! Just in the nick of time this bride will take her magical mystical hairbrush from her super lycra utility belt and save the day with a well-placed quiff, shouting "Vodka and Canapes for All!"
"Fighting Crime, Trying to Save the World, Here they come Just in Time, The PowerPuff Girls! POWERPUFF!!!"
Filed under Let's Get Married!
Wedding Dress Idea #1801: Punk Rocker
I'm getting married this year, and I'm going to make my dress...
As she leers at her wedding guests with anarchistic bravado, this bride can only be described as a rebel. She tore her dress and her face is a mess; there may be no future, but she'll rebel against even that by getting married anyway.
This bride has attitude. She'll stomp on people's feet as they try to get to the canapes first with her steel-toes combat boots, and she won't hesitate to create sudden musical explosions. Her 42-cm technicolour mohawk is only outshone by the number of safety pins she has stuck through various body parts. This bride dons a leather jacket complete with studs, pins, chains, patches and political slogans over a ripped t-shirt elaborately decorated with a black marker. She has a delightful studded dogcollar around her neck, thick black eyeliner and several tattoos. The Punk Rocker bride defies conventionality and avoids predictability by teaming her tutu and fishnets with rubber shorts and a large padlock pendant.
She has no tolerance for establishment and no patience for the mainstream. Ostentatious or ladylike guests will be spurned by this bride, as will most others. Surly poses will be perfected for the photographer's benefit, as will offensive hand-gestures. Guests must be careful, as this bride will certainly be seen and heard.
Punk aint no religious cult, Punk means thinking for yourself. You aint hardcore cos you spike your hair, When a jock still lives inside your head. - Dead Kennedys, Nazi Punks F**k Off
Filed under Let's Get Married!
Wedding Dress Idea #4910: Queen of the Nile
I'm getting married this year, and I'm going to make my dress...
Queen of the Nile
"Dazzling!" they will scream, as the stunning bride is carried to the venue on a solid gold litter by 10 semi-naked slaves. As the bride reclines majestically on the countless velvet cushions, more slaves feed her delicate morsels and fan her gently with bejewelled palm leaves. When she alights the full glory of her stunning ensemble will be revealed: a hand-woven pure white linen off-the-shoulder gown embroidered with fine gold detail of rivers, pyramids, hieroglyphs and whatnot. A heavy gold sash encircles her delicate waist, as she walks like an Egyptian to her throne.
Surpassed in delicacy and divine beauty only by the bride's natural attributes is her jewellery. Gold, gold, gold, and more gold adorn this most glorious of women. A solid gold snake encircles her right bicep, and bangles weigh down her wrists. Her gold tiara frames her face, adorned with jewels and divine motifs. Huge priceless pearls hang from gold chain earrings, ready to be dropped into cups of vinegar if necessary. A bejewelled gold cuff sits elegantly around her neck, reflecting her delicious milky complexion. The only makeup needed is the inevitable kohl on her eyes, and her lustrous skin glows magnificently in the torchlight.
Constantly attended by slaves throughout the wedding, this bride just exudes royal elegance. Her endlessly devoted minions will be there at all times to test poisons, fan and feed her, build edifices and carry her around the venue. Of course the besotted groom will be desparate to show his love and affection, and must be reminded NOT to leave the ceremony in order to wage war and fight battles in honour of her beauty and virtue. Many will live and die for just a glimpse of the supreme beauty of this incomparable bride. Please note that live snakes, and baskets of figs, will not be permitted at this wedding under any circumstances.
"…the most complete woman ever to have existed, the most womanly woman and the most queenly queen, a person to be wondered at, to whom the poets have been able to add nothing, and whom dreamers always find at the end of their dreams." Théophile Gauthier, One of Cleopatra’s Nights (1845)
Filed under Let's Get Married!
Wedding Dress Idea #2278: Flight of the Valkyries
I'm getting married this year, and I'm going to make my dress...
Flight of the Valkyries
The Flight of the Valkyries wedding dress takes the best of the Norse mythology and adds a unique modern twist. Inspired by the fashions of old Valhalla, the dress is perfect for the ethereal shield maiden, made for winged-horse riding and choosing the most heroic on the battlefield. Comprised of a long, flowing, goddess-style green gown the dress itself sparkles and shines as the bride shimmies across the skies. The whole outfit is delightfully hand-embellished with splashes of blood and gore. Custom accessories include spear, shield and sword, as well as the inevitable helmet. Strappy leather sandals complete the outfit, with thongs that wind all the way up the bride’s legs. “Simply sublime!” cry those wounded on the battlefield, as they’re whisked away to the hall of the gods.
Obviously designed for the 15-hour wedding celebration, the Flight of the Valkyries wedding dress inspires everyone around to sing very long songs about very boring things - dramatically. Guests will be motivated to join swords and songs as the glorious bride stirs all to the heights of Wagnerian melodrama. Giants, dwarves, gods and demigods will all be moved to celebrate and special thunder and lightning effects can be provided on request.
Special considerations must be made in planning the celebration for the Flight of the Valkyries bride, as her natural tendencies to blood and gore can be somewhat dangerous to guests and groom alike. Dramatic drumrolls must be kept to a minimum, as well as fights to the death and glorious battles. Nonetheless, special guest bouncers Odin and Woton should be able to keep her in line with a magical ring of fire if she gets too excited.
“Die dritte, so traut, betrog sie mich auch?”
Filed under Let's Get Married!
Wedding Dress Idea #8232: Mermaid
I'm getting married this year, and I'm going to make my dress...
Mermaid
Beautiful, aquiline, shimmery, watery, elegant and fishy - all words gasped out loud upon sight of Carolyn in the Mermaid wedding dress. A long, sparkly tail in shades of blue is the feature piece of this outfit, with 10,000,000 hand-sewn pearls and diamonds creating a watery effect. Beautiful techicoloured scallop shells are held together with finely woven seaweed in a magnificent brassiere that makes the most of personal assets. Uniquely handcrafted jewellery using the most priceless artefacts from Davy Jones' Locker include delightful fish-head earrings, a lovely jewel-encrusted sea urchin pendant, whimsical seasnake bangles and a sparkling beche de mer bellyring. The hairstyle for this ensemble is long and wet, with flowing locks held in place by specially-trained hermit crabs who just won't let go.
Movement is somewhat limited in the Mermaid wedding dress due to feet being encased in the tail, thus a large motorised clamshell is included in the package for trafficking around the venue. The clamshell is licensed to hold up to four passengers or 350kg making it the perfect form of transport for both bride and groom, along with any relevant attendants, to and from the venue.
Crabs, crayfishies, prawns and cute-coloured-fishes are all represented as live mascots at the event. Due to ethical standards seafood will not be served at this wedding, but guests may take responsibility for the creation of their own sashimi (wasabi and soy sauce will be provided beside the fishtanks). A 'wetting' facility will be made available for the bride at regular intervals where she will be hosed down with seawater in order to maintain the integrity of her outfit, and the hearbeat of her accessories. Special attendants will be employed to catch and reattach any vagrant or wandering seacreatures. No animals will be harmed in the making of this outfit.
"Under the sea, Under the sea! Life is much better, Down where it's wetter, Take it from me!"
Filed under Let's Get Married!
Wedding Dress Idea #6528: Carmen Miranda
I'm getting married this year, and I'm going to make my dress...
Carmen Miranda
The Carmen Miranda signature collection includes splashes of red and yellow, accentuated by the prolific use of ruffles and fruit. The wedding outfit is a stylish two-piece affair, bringing alive the exotic brilliance of South America's finest leading lady. The top is cropped so that everybody can see my lovely belly, as I shake it like only the Brazilian Bombshell and I can. Off-the-shoulder with ruffles all around the neckline, the top is accentuated by funny puffy sleevey bits. Red and yellow stripes give the illusion of "Action, Action!". The skirt is just made for dancing - very very ruffled, red and yellow to match the top, with a great big giant split up one leg so that when I do fantastic kicks everybody can see my fantastic pins.
A fruit-infested headdress completes the picture, with lots and lots of fruit, and possibly some lovely flowers to boot. All attached, somehow, to a scarf tied around my head. Custom-made accessories include lots and lots of beads which are delicious and colourful. Excellent sparkly very high-heeled shoes complete the picture.
Perfect for the exotically styled wedding, the Carmen Miranda outfit isn't for the faint-hearted. Regular maintenance must be maintained throughout the event, as fruit and flowers tend to become a little floppy in heated environments. One advantage of this unique design is the ability of the bride to snack on her headdress at anytime during the ceremony and/or reception, being careful not to spoil her red lipstick and/or overbalance herself by eating too far into one side. Caution must be maintained whilst dancing, as flying fruit missiles are dangerous weapons and dips and bends can lead to serious overbalancing.
"I say 20 words in English. I say money, money, money, and I say hot dog! I say yes, no and I say money, money, money and I say turkey sandwich and I say grape juice."
Filed under Let's Get Married!