Pink Ukulele: Heeheehee... Archives

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Carolyn, are you a vegetarian?

No... Why?

Coz you dress like one, duh!

Filed under Heeheehee...

(5)

The Cat has Issues Volume II, and the Funkiest Monkey that ever Popped

The Cat drools. Not buckets, and not down its cheek. Only very occasionally, and onto the floor in little drops. It will sometimes give us a funny look, then turn it's eye to the floor and dispense a thoughtful drip.

Is it an improvement from the head-slamming? This remains to be seen. It is certainly a lot quieter, albeit more slippery. Either way it would seem that it's a happy little cat and we shall observe it closely for any more oddities.

In other news, it would seem that I have become somewhat Nocturnal of late. Whether it be from excessive coffee drinking, obsessions with whacky characters, no routine in my life or general battiness I do not know.

All I do know is that I want Monkey's boots:

Filed under EEEEeeekk!!!, Heeheehee..., Waiting

Some More Interesting Things

- Perhaps I had Dengue Fever! I told you there were lots of mosquitoes!

- Yehia just made me sign my name lots of times. Whilst he told me that it was for a "joint account", I have suspicions that he may be about to sell my kidneys to pay for the wedding.

- The Terror that Purrs in the Night (aka Spinach the cat) did not forget me while I was in Papua New Guinea, and has switched alliances from being Yehia's sidekick back to being leader of my evil minion(s). Perhaps this has motivated the sale of my kidneys.

- I have been eating lots of delicious things.

- Melbourne is very cold. I realised this when my coconut oil solidified. Also when I couldn't stop shivering. Constantly.

- There is lots of stuff here.

- The stuff is somewhat overwhelming.

- The food is somewhat delicious.

- Hooray!*

*with bits of sad, because I miss Papua New Guinea.

Filed under Crapola, EEEEeeekk!!!, Heeheehee..., Let's Get Married!, So they said..., Super Dooper

(4)

Last Days

I have three sleeps left in Port Moresby (excluding naps). Other things that I must do are as follows:

- Eat goodness
- Drink
- Pack
- Eat more
- Drink
- Nap
- Panic
- Drink
- Relax
- Nap
- Unpack
- Repack
- Nap
- Panic
- Unpack
- Drink
- Nap
- Drink
- Eat
- Nap
- Repack
- Panic
- Panic
- Panic
- Drink
- Drink
- Drink
- Drink
- Get on plane
- Panic
- Pass out.

There will also be some mangroving, chatting, hugging, drinking, buying pretty things, napping, eating, drinking, chatting, napping, hugging and panicking. In no particular order. Eek.

Filed under Crapola, EEEEeeekk!!!, Heeheehee...

(10)

Ladygardening

I was in hysterics as the Ladygardener told me all the Ladygardening (and a few Mangardening) stories - particularly the one involving another Ladygardening venue in which a trim was undertaken too bloody enthusiastically.

I laughed and I laughed. But then she started yanking my Ladygarden. No more did I laugh.

Filed under EEEEeeekk!!!, Heeheehee...

What to do when there’s an alleged paedophile in your country*

The 12-step guide for getting rid of those naughty men whom troublesome neighbours want to extradite*:

1. Pretend he’s not there;
2. Fly him out on a broken air force plane;
3. Pretend you didn’t do it;
4. Get insulted when neighbour says “Oi, don’t do that!”;
5. Get uppity;
6. Create defence-force enquiry;
7. Feel self-righteous;
8. Get cranky when enquiry suggests you did it;
9. Force defence minister to disband enquiry;
10. Fire defence minister for saying you forced him to disband it;
11. Hold a golf tournament;
12. Pretend nothing happened.

*according to the GCSMS

Filed under Crapola, Heeheehee..., So they said...

(5)

This Weekend...

... I won a pair of SP thongs which are now (almost) my most prized possession. They make footprints of the SP logo when I walk in them. I haven't walked in them yet, though, because I don't want goobies blocking up my SP logo.

... I admitted that I have a crush on Justin Timberlake, and a crush on Sharzy. Then I did lots of dancing to them both.

... I realised, through a rant that lovely1 and lovely2 patiently listened to, that when you let someone in and you can only skirt around them that you'll only get hurt. Coz just knowing that they like tofu and not soy milk isn't enough.

... Some Hagen boys got me drunk and laughed at me coz I was talking too much.

... I had a minor freak-out because I have only less than four weeks left in Papua New Guinea.

... I pretended that it didn't hurt when the little piece of self-esteem-worth-ego-happiness-whatever fell onto the floor, and I've been kicking it around ever since. Sometimes I stomp on it, because self-flagellation is almost as good as a hangover. I'm getting over it now.

... A wonderful lady brought me two delicious bunches of sugarfruit all the way from Goroka, which made my day. Thankyou very much, wonderful lady.

Filed under Adventures in Deliciousness, Crapola, Exciting Acquisitions, Heeheehee..., So they said...

(8)

Note to Nigel, volume II

How are the mashed potatoes going?

So anyway, you know those things you really like, those purple cucumbers? They're actually called baby eggplants.

That will be all.

Filed under Adventures in Deliciousness, Heeheehee...

(1)

Port Moresby Conversations

Last night the sky was an angry angry sky. It was so angry that it was throwing water all over Port Moresby, with thunderbolts and lightning (very very frightening me) so big and loud and angry that our whole balcony was shaking. Shaking. I was standing on it, glass of wine in hand, discussing with the sky it's problems. Suffice to say it has many - it's full of holes and such, and soon there won't be anything left of it, what with all this global warming and stuff happening. Poor bugger.

Before all that happened I was in the wine store when a very senior (as in important and powerful, not as in old) staff member of the university came up to me:

"Hello Carolyn, it's lovely to see you."

"Hello."

"I'm looking for a beautiful bottle of red wine to share with people who care to come and visit me in my office."

"Well, you're looking at white wine right now. Red is over there."

"Thankyou my dear. See you soon."

This morning we had to do away with our Haus Meri (cleaning lady) because she was stealing our monies. We didn't "do away with" her in a mafia kind of way, we just told her that her services are no longer needed. Our previous Haus Meri had been offered a better job and abandoned us, but she recommended her sister as a good replacement, who promptly began stealing monies little by little from around the house. She left this morning with quiet resignation. We called her sister to let her know, whose response was:

"Oh yes, she's not as honest as me. I know that. She lives in Gerehu, and she doesn't come to my house."

After this revelation I came to work, and sat down to do some of that said work. A man stood outside my office window, staring at me.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes, I want to speak to that man over there." (pointing through my office to a man on the other side of the hallway)

"Well why don't you go to his office window and talk to him there?"

"No, it's alright, I'll talk to him here."

"I'd rather you didn't, because I'm trying to do my work."

"Oh. I see. We won't be long, I just need to talk to him for a minute."

"I'd really rather you didn't..."

"Oh, ok then. Continue."

Filed under Adventures in Deliciousness, Crapola, EEEEeeekk!!!, Heeheehee..., So they said..., Waiting

(4)

A bit late...

A few days ago I received a bilum, and this note:

Filed under EEEEeeekk!!!, Exciting Acquisitions, Heeheehee..., So they said...

Valentines Day in Port Moresby: Girls Girls Girls!

"Is this the girls' night?"

"Yes, the gays' night."

"No, is it the girls' night?"

"Gays' night."

"Girls girls girls"

"Gays gays gays!"

"Hang on, do you mean girls or gays?"

"Gays."

"Man or Meri?"

"Man, Meri, me no save!!!"

The cast: One spunky Engan lawyer, one cute pillow-talker, one nervous man who works for a UN children's agency all observing: many 'girly-girls', working girls, working boys, crusty old men, pimps, secretary of the government department for agricultural stuff...

We were there to see Chukachukamomo in her first live stage performance. We never figured out who Chukachukamomo was because we were so distracted by the action happening around us: fashion shows, tricks, transactions, tantrums, scandal. It was all there.

The most romantic dancers won bottles of Passion Pop "champagne".

There was a girlygirl competition which began with casual wear: short skirts and tight tops. Evening wear followed: shorter skirts, tighter tops. Sporting wear: same as above, with sneakers. Our special favourite (coz we couldn't find Chukachukamomo) was Kymberley Johns, a middle-aged individual with middle-aged spread carefully (un)covered in garish shades of green.

All in the most delightful setting of the Chilli Pepper Club. The front of it is a cardboard cutout of a castle, complete with battlements. Inside there's fairy lights, tinsel, red walls and pole that fortunately/unfortunately wasn't used to its full potential last night.

Truly romantic.

Filed under EEEEeeekk!!!, Heeheehee..., Super Dooper, WOW

THAT person took a CONDOM!!!!

This week at the university is Orientation Week.

We have some lovely first year students, all bright-eyed and busy-tailed, ready to become Papua New Guinea's next group of leading academics. They're enthusiastic, walking around with timetables and notebooks clutched anxiously to their chests. How sweet. How inspiring.

But we know what they're up to. 36% of surveyed first year students in 2006 admitted that they were already sexually active, but not using condoms - most said that it was because they didn't know where to get them or they weren't available. So my program has begun a "You can't escape the condoms!" campaign.

I have placed condoms on every available (allowed) surface on campus. I'm leaving boxes of them all over the place and refilling them all the time. So far this week I've left about 3000 male and 1000 female condoms at various places on the campus, and I'm not facing too much opposition at the moment about it.

So it's all going well. Except in the library. This is my main focal point of distribution on campus because all of the new students come for a tour. I have a table covered with educational stuff, and piles and piles of condoms. I keep on piling them up casually in a "take me, take me!" kind of way.

But every time I leave somebody comes along and arranges them in pyramids, or in squares or rectangles, or some other fantastical creation so that if one person takes one little box of condoms the whole structure will be integrally compromised and everyone will know THAT person took a CONDOM!!!!

They're not looking very "take me, take me!" any more. They're looking more "Look but don't touch me!". I can't figure out who's doing it. I'm sure they're just trying to help. But the condoms are there to take, not to make pretty!

I'm off now to paint my face green and brown, put on my army fatigues and do some recon action to figure out who the culprit is. Or maybe just ask around.

Filed under EEEEeeekk!!!, Exciting Acquisitions, Heeheehee...

Quotables...

Yehia: Sometimes I have mental lapses where everything is clear.

Carolyn: Do you call clarity a mental lapse???

Yehia: The sooner you accept it the easier it will be on you.

Filed under Heeheehee..., So they said...

More Interesting Things

1. In exactly ONE MONTH I will be 25. Just in case you can't count, that's Thursday March 1st. Please prepare all gifts, hugs, well-wishes, etc. for a timely celebration.

2. I am leaving in 7 weeks. EEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

3. Someone quite lovely is getting their brain fixed. Good luck, lovely person. Don't worry, I'll be there in 7 weeks to sing you lullabies, aka David Bowie covers on my pink ukulele.

4. People shouldn't get that drunk at their brother's wedding, even if it is Yehia's fault.

5. If people do get that drunk, they probably shouldn't talk about their testicles, and the said testicles' relationship to squishy cheese. Nor should they demonstrate.

6. Ants are trying to eat me alive. Probably because I'm delicious.

7. I am moving offices, across the hall. For my last seven weeks of work. Efficient.

8. There's a kind of hush all over the university today.

9. There have been so many blackouts today, it's ridiculous. At least two every hour. Damn UPS, I have to stay at work!

10. We're moving towards finalising a wedding date. We have a wedding month, and will let you know when the date is when we know. Hooray!

Filed under Crapola, EEEEeeekk!!!, Exciting Acquisitions, Heeheehee..., Super Dooper, Waiting

Spit or Swallow?

One certainly spits in this situation.

Hao had never tried buai before, so we picked some up on Sunday to have a chew. I've chewed it a fair bit but had never taken a photo. I think that you can see why.

Here is the paraphernalia. There are the green buai nuts, which you have to bite open. One here is opened and you can see inside is a nut, about the size of a macadamia nut. It's really really bitter, and makes you salivate a lot - you chew it into paste, and then dip those funny looking green sticks called mustard into the bag of white powder, which is lime, and then add that to the mix and you chew it all up. Continue to dip, and chew. The end result is quite a vivid red goop, which you proceed to spit everywhere at random intervals. It's a mild appetite suppresant, and gives some people hot flushes, head spins, jollies, mouth cancer, whatever. It doesn't do anything to me. Except make my teeth look gross.

Here is Hao biting into the nut. That's as far as he got - he couldn't cope with the nut, let alone the lime and mustard, and spat it out a few seconds later. For the sake of prosperity, and in order to tease him about his girly-girliness, I continued.

This is what it does to your mouth. Note the red stains on my teeth. It takes a lot of brushing to get that out!

And here's some of what I spat out. The longer you chew, the redder it gets. This is all over Port Moresby - on footpaths, roads, walls, trees, gutters, buses, cars, everywhere. Totally yuck.

Filed under Adventures in Deliciousness, EEEEeeekk!!!, Heeheehee...

(1)

Tag Team

Just in case The Monster comes back...

Filed under Heeheehee...

Whoopsies

Some people just shouldn't be allowed near the computer.

First I send an email to Ralph, which manages to embarrass him, Yehia and I. Well, I wasn't really embarrassed coz I'm used to saying the kind of things that I said - I just forget that the whole world isn't used to Carolynisms. Anyway, it's not unusual that I do embarrass myself, and it is quite usual for me to Embarrass Yehia. But I don't even know Ralph. Never met him. Poor guy. It was just meant to be birthday wishes, and turned into a world of pain. Sorry Ralph. Really. Truly. I Am Very Very Sorry.

Then, in an attempt to send an Abusive email to my sister (As we all have to do sometimes. Let me know if you want her email address, I'll be happy to oblige, she doesn't mind the odd abusive/hate email. Good for her. Toughens her up.) I somehow manage, unbeknownst to me, to send it to me. I then sent it to her, and if you're reading this Katia, PAY ATTENTION!!!

And then the emails to Mo. At least 7 attempts at attaching attachments. I still don't know what went wrong there.

Come away from the computer, Carolyn. There's a good girl. That's right. No, don't touch the keyboard any more. Good girl. Gently now. Let go of the mouse, Carolyn. No, I said let go. Carolyn, let go of the mouse. Please do not hit Save. Carolyn, I ASKED you NOT to hit Save. NO, Carolyn. That's it, no more vodka for you! GIVE ME the mouse! NNOOOooooo.....

Filed under Heeheehee...

Weird dreams that I have had lately...

I have been having some very strange dreams lately. All very vivid and very real. I don't want to know what they mean, or what they say about me and/or others, unless it's a very funny explanation that won't make me paranoid.

1. Kristen stoled all of the diamonds out of my engagement ring and said, "I'll give them back!"

2. I broke my left wrist very badly. And it took ages to get to the doctor, because of all of the rigmarole regarding international insurance.

3. Mangoes. Everywhere. Just going through a regular day, but mangoes being everywhere. More so than usual. Like, everywhere, like dangling in people's hair.

4. Baking lots of goodness and then going and having a wonderful picnic. A themed picnic... can't remember what theme. Lots of colour involved, though. There were Hornbills. They may have also partaken in the picnic. I like hornbills. And I think the picnic was floating. There were also couches.

5. There was a giant, and I mean GIANT, jellyfish floating/swimming/blobbing around the bay, and I was watching it from our balcony. Giant, like an elephant or whale. But not an elephant or whale, because it was a jellyfish - I could even see its giant tentacle-thingies.

6. David Bowie. I think he came to our wedding. Woohoo!

7. I ate and ate and ate and ate, and enjoyed it. And there were no moany/painy/bloaty repurcussions.

8. Dancing. Many styles of.

9. Jeans.

10. Lots of pretty butterflies. All shapes and sizes and colours. Lovely.

Go on then, try to analyse that bunch! And they say us volunteers don't need psych assessments...

Filed under EEEEeeekk!!!, Heeheehee..., Super Dooper

How (not) to pick up in Port Moresby

One is subject to many interesting pick-up lines as a pink ukulele playing volunteer in Port Moresby. Here are some of the gems:

"I'm 23. You're 24. Will you be my friend... my special friend?"

"I'm very interested in using condoms. With you."

"I will take you to Chimbu."

"Wanna see my village?"

"Hey baby, nice specs! How do you feel about a bit of black dick inside you?"

"Oooh yeah!"

"May I bring you a bilum?"

"Don't you want to go out on a boat today?"

"Ooh you're so pretty... Pretty in that meri blouse... Oooh..."

"You talk about sex, right? So... you know how to do it?"

Suffice to say that none of the gentlemen(?) using the above lines have got lucky wtih me. Surprised?

Filed under EEEEeeekk!!!, Heeheehee..., So they said...

What I was doing

Well I did lots of training during the last two weeks. Now I'm back. Notable incidents from the past two weeks include (in no particular order):

- Eating lots and lots of kaukau and cooking bananas.
- Seeing how many times I can say "breast" on national radio.
- Sending 5000 male + 3000 female condoms up the Kokoda trail.
- Saying yalla byebyez to lovely Hagen and Alotau mobs.
- Having a guy called Blacky in my training.
- Dealing with inner PC dilemmas whenever I call out, "Hey, Blacky!"
- An earthquake in PNG that I didn't even feel!
- Others felt it! In POM! Unfair!!!
- Kristen coming back with presents.
- Explaining to wifebeaters that women have human rights too.
- Telling brick wall (aka wifebeaters) to STOP BLOODY BEATING!!!
- Convincing wifebeaters not to beat their wives when pregnant.
- SH.
- Fun and Games.
- Etc.

Filed under Adventures in Deliciousness, Heeheehee..., Super Dooper

Note to Nigel

When making mashed potatoes, make sure that you drain the water off. That will be all.

Filed under Adventures in Deliciousness, Heeheehee...

Forgot This Too

Ok I forgot to mention this too.

I'm halfway through PNG today.

Well, kind of. Not literally, in a way. But really, I am. Halfway as in halfway through my 12-month assignment. As in 6 months today. Halfway. Through. My. Stay. In. PNG.

EEEEEEEEEEeeeeEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!

So many more things to do! So many more animals to poke! So many more people to play with! So many more crazy things to eat! So many more things to be scared of! So many more t-shirts to see!

Did I mention eek?

EeeeeeEEEEEeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Filed under Adventures in Deliciousness, Crapola, EEEEeeekk!!!, Exciting Acquisitions, Heeheehee..., Miscellany, So they said..., Super Dooper, T-Shirt Of The Day, WOW, Waiting