Help!
10:00 PM, Thursday, 31 May, 2007
We're inviting David Bowie to our wedding, but I don't know his address. Anyone? Anyone?
How does one even go about finding something like this?
Anyone? Anyone?
(Dust? Dust? Anyone? Anyone?)
Filed under Stuff
How do these things happen to me???
11:07 AM, Thursday, 31 May, 2007
On the tram this morning a man rested his bag on my head, and started sorting through it.
(the bag, not my head)
It wasn't particularly heavy, but it certainly was a bag, and it certainly was being rested upon my head. I was sitting down, he was standing nearby, and apparently my head looked like a nice place to put one's bag.
I jumped, and said "Excuse me!"
He looked at me indignantly, and removed his bag.
My head is not for bags. Not unless I put them there.
Filed under Crapola
Now I know what a Tag is...
A lovely lady tagged me today. This means that I have to reveal 8 things about myself:
1. I was convinced, until I was about 10 years old, that I had the ability to fly. I just chose not to use this ability.
2. The town in which I was born, Ararat, is often described (by me) as a butthole. It's quite ironic that when I gain dual citizenship and get a Lebanese passport this word, in an arabic accent, means "f**k". This word will be on my passport.
3. I tried life modelling when I was at university. It was slightly cold, and somewhat boring. Out of the things that you can get paid to do in the nude, this is probably the least interesting. Sorry.
4. I have four pairs of red shoes, and one more pair with red on them. I am not obsessed. They do make me go faster, though.
5. I have a deformed floating rib. Doctors often think it's a lump on my liver, until I tell them what it is. Often they don't believe me, and subject me to a barrage of tests, then don't apologise.
6. I am unashamed of my love and respect for Dolly Parton.
7. I am somewhat obsessive-compulsive, and will often spend hours concentrating hard on useless things.
8. I got a new job!
Apparently I'm meant to tag someone else. Ummm... Can't be arsed, so tag yourself if you want to do it.
Filed under Stuff
I'm not a doctor, Ok?
For People who Typed Things into Google and came here;
You will still not find information about:
Pink Spots Testicles
OR
Finger Swollen Green Blood Poisoning
Go to a doctor. Please. There isn't one here.
That will be all.
Filed under EEEEeeekk!!!
Come, come!
The invitations have arrived! Gold and Brown and Looooovely. OooooooOOOooooooohhhhh!!!
Now to decide who gets them...
Filed under Exciting Acquisitions, Let's Get Married!, Super Dooper
Those Girly Things Taste Good!
Continuing in the girly theme wherein I buy wedding magazines, walking through the chemist I come across lip gloss.
I have seen this stuff before and passed it off as boring and stupid and girly. Until I discover coconut lip gloss. Yummo! So I buy it and put it on and it's delicious. I am converted. I am officially turning into a girl. A coconut flavoured girl, no less.
What's the stuff meant to do, anyway? How is it any different to lip balm? I put it on and my lips and shiny, but not much more than with lip balm. What's the go?
Filed under Adventures in Deliciousness, Exciting Acquisitions
I'm a bad bride...
2:34 PM, Thursday, 17 May, 2007
I was feeling girly yesterday, so I bought a wedding magazine*. There was a wee little book inside it, the "Wedding Planning Workbook". It's got a timeline approaching the Big Day, with all the things that we should have already done.
Apparently at this stage, with 72 sleeps before we get hitched I should already have:
Ordered flowers.
Bought wedding rings.
Had makeup and hair trials.
Ordered Cake.
Booked photographer.
Booked music.
Booked celebrant.
Planned dream honeymoon.
Handmade unique and individual bonbonnieres.
Lost 29.8 kilos.
Had facelift.
Toned arse.
Had boob enhancement.
Had laser surgery.
Removed all hair below eyebrows with laser.
Timetabled event to the millisecond.
Organised contingency plan.
Coordinated "MotherOfBride" and "MotherOfGroom" outfits, preferably to match the flowers.
Edited all speeches.
Hmmm. So far we have booked the venue, told a few people, ordered the invitations, bought 46.3 meters of fabric for The Outfit.
Shit.
*I have now put away the wedding magazine, and I'm pretending that none of this ever happened.
Filed under EEEEeeekk!!!, Exciting Acquisitions, Let's Get Married!, So they said...
Wedding Dress Idea #1013: Unappreciated Fairytale Character
I'm getting married this year, and I'm going to make my dress...
Snow White, Jasmine, Ariel, Cinderella and Belle - step aside! The Unappreciated Fairytale Character Bride has the best of the rest: the appetite of Gretel, the melancholy of the Little Match Girl, the Pea of the Princess, the scissors of Rose Red, the thumb of Thumbelina, the chastity of Maid Marion. Does she have one eye, two eyes or three eyes? Can she spin straw into gold? Who knows - but this mystery Unappreciated Fairytale Character Bride has been ignored for too long, and now she's going to take centre stage!
With all the wit of Scheherazade the Unappreciated Fairytale Character Bride will banish those predictable Disney girls to the pages, and stand in the spotlight. She wears the most shimmeriest gown ever seen, made of moonbeams and sunbeams and starlight (for some reason she's wearing a red hood with it, even though it SO doesn't match). Her slippers are the finest kid leather, handcrafted by crazy little insomniac elves, and although she can't take them off she somehow manages to lose one. What's that in her hand? Why, it's a nutcracker! Her golden?firey?raven?chestnut? tresses hang down her delicate back in a most alluring and uncuttable way. Inevitably becoming confused by her outfit's many fairytale character influences, the Unappreciated Fairytale Character Bride sets off to See The World and Make Her Fortune, instead learning What Fear Is. Or was. Whatex.
Followed constantly by a party of frogs, billygoats, dwarves, dragons, trolls, mice and elves the Unappreciated Fairytale Character Bride wanders around, being chased by wolves and bears and nasty characters. Considering that her story is meant for children, there's a surprising amount of blood, gore, sex and drama in her story. Luckily her very own Prince Charming is there, to marry her no less, and is quite obliging in his willingness to save the day. These two will SO live happily ever after.
The Unappreciated Fairytale Character Bride is quite sure that there's a moral to her story. She's somewhat confused, though, and can't figure out what it is. Maybe she's too busy cleaning, eating, spinning, running, shrieking, sleeping, moaning, pining. Poor little Unappreciated Fairytale Character Bride.
"Into the woods, Without delay, But careful not to lose the way. Into the woods, Who knows what may be lurking on the journey?" - Steven Sondheim
Filed under Let's Get Married!
Passionate Stance #88809553327134467
4:23 PM, Wednesday, 9 May, 2007
Like the bizarre lovechild of Chuck Norris and Paris Hilton, my wardrobe has been roundhouse kicking it's drunken way out of the cupboard and all over our apartment. It tries to make excuses for itself, saying "you need me!", "you love me!", "I'm so cute!" and "When you're in Texas look behind you" - but I have Had Enough. Considering that our apartment is the size of a thumbnail, room for two people and a cat is precious and thushenceforthwith I did a cull this morning of Unnecessary Items, sending them off to charity.
Following this and the subsequent freak-out I had at my evil consumerist beastly materialism, I am Making A Stand. From now on I am only going to either make my own clothes, or buy them secondhand. No more impulsive buying of random skirts, pants and blouses (unless they're secondhand). I am Officially Declaring, as of now, The End*.
*Small print:
Declaration valid for the next three months, just in case it's too hard.
Due to hygeine/practicality, the following items are exempt from this Declaration: underwears, bras, socks.
Shoes are not included as clothing.
Filed under Exciting Acquisitions, Stuff
Theme Songs
The soundtrack to our wedding is a dilemma of extraordinary proportions. Difficult questions include:
Should I have a special theme song to walk in to?
Should Yehia have a special theme song too?
Should we have a dancey thing where everyone watches us dance to a theme song?
Should we have another dancey thing where everyone watches us dance with particular people to a particular theme song?
Do we have another special theme song for people to listen to when we're signing important documents?
What other opportunities are there for me to be able to subject guests to my favourite music?
Following these important questions and my general procrastinatory nature, I have decided to CHOOSE excellent songs, then CREATE moments for them. Some songs don't really lend themselves to the whole "Happy Happy Happy Day" theme, others don't lend themselves to the "Family Friendly Event" theme. Some I will play despite this.
Songs/artists that will certainly feature are as follows:
1. 99 Luft Ballons - Nena
2. Ya Rayah - Cheb Khaled, Rachid Taha, Faudel
3. Anyone Else But You - The Moldy Peaches
4. Justin Timberlake
5. Sharzy
6. Dolly Parton
7. Prince
8. David Bowie
Songs that have been deemed "unsuitable for such an occasion":
1. Sexy MF - Prince (what I wanted to walk in to, has been vetoed)
2. Tom Waits singing about alcoholism/broken hearts
3. Angry Teenager Music
What have we missed? We are now taking suggestions for any excellent songs that people might suggest for us to play at our wedding. We won't necessarily accept/decline/not laugh at suggestions given. Let us know, what are the bestest songs in the whole wide world?
Filed under Let's Get Married!, Super Dooper, Waiting
Wedding Dress Idea #2628: Rhinestone Cowgirl
12:50 PM, Wednesday, 2 May, 2007
I'm getting married this year, and I'm going to make my dress...
Riding into the venue on her trusty steed, Sparkles, the Rhinestone Cowgirl Bride twirls her diamond-studded lassoo over her head and shouts a hearty "Yehia!". With a flick of her spurs (heart-shaped with pink rhinestones, of course, and with no hurtie-pointy bits as she's a modern, animal-friendly Rhinestone Cowgirl Bride) Sparkles rears up, silhouetting himself and his beloved Rhinestone Cowgirl Bride perfectly against a dazzling backdrop of the setting sun.
As she rides around and around the venue, whooping and firing her diamond-encrusted pistols into the air (aiming carefully so that she doesn't shoot out the lights and rob the guests of the chance to see her outfit) the Rhinestone Cowgirl Bride's dazzling ensemble can be fully appreciated. Cherry red patent leather cowgirl boots are carefully embroidered, and embellished with lovely starry rhinestones. Her matching cherry red patent leather holster sparkles with more delicious rhinestones, sitting perfectly over her shapely hips and wee little tassled and rhinestone-studded denim hotpants. Her sparkilicious sheriff's badge is pinned sparklingly to her red and white chequered shirt, which is obviously tied up around her midriff. Of course. A delightful red scarf is tied jauntily around her lovely neck. As she turns the back of her white tassled vest can be seen, revealing the most glorious of red rhinestone hearts adorning her back. Holding down her astonishingly bouffant hair is the most extraordinary of ten-gallon hats ever worn by a bride: cherry red, embroidered and rhinestone-encrusted, it shadows her fluttering eyelashes and cherry-red lips.
What is most surprising about the Rhinestone Cowgirl Bride's outfit is that her pink ukulele, strapped securely across her back, does not clash with the copious amounts of cherry red patent leather. This Rhinestone Cowgirl Bride turns out to be a talented one as she lights an impromptu campfire in the middle of the venue with her handy rhinestone-encrusted flint, proceeding to serenade her groom and guests with mournful tunes as they wait for the beans to heat up in their tin. At the end of the evening the Rhinestone Cowgirl Bride and her lovely groom will leap up onto the trusty Sparkles, riding away into the sunset to a life of happiness, rodeos and saloons.
"In my rhinestone-studded suit, And my cowgirl high-heel boots, I must have been a sight for him to see! But he said, "Pull up a chair!" As I fumbled with my hair, A more unlikely pair you’ll never see... - Dolly Parton
Filed under Let's Get Married!