I will not have sex with You.
4:17 PM, Wednesday, 31 January, 2007
I am not here to excite, entice, amuse or seduce you*.
No. No. I'm married. No. I'm sorry, no. I'm not interested. No. Bugger off. No. No. No. NO.
I'm sick of being polite.
The next one of you who tells me you love me, or comments on my breasts, or stares at me, or suggests that I "go with you" will cop a great big FUCK OFF.
I resent the fact that because of you I am now sounding like a precious princess, complaining about all the attention. I'm not dressing provocatively, not that this would excuse your behaviour. I'm not inviting you. Sure I'm talking about sex all the time, but I don't want to do it with you. No, I don't. Not. At. All.
I'm not flattered, or amused, or interested. You insult me by presuming anything other than this the first let alone the second, third and fourth time you hit on me. Stop it now.
*you: those despicable, defective, disgusting males who find amusement in making suggestive advances, gestures, comments and questions at me. The above suggestions of "you" will NEVER be reciprocated: they are crass, derogatory, undignified and unwelcome.
Filed under So they said...
T-Shirt Of The Day
2:55 PM, Friday, 26 January, 2007
Today's T-Shirt Of The Day, spotted at Ando's:
ETU: Sack John Howard: Vote Labour
Indeed, although I don't care who you vote for, just sack Howard! Today's T-Shirt Of The Day scores a 6.8/10 in the category "inapplicable political entities/statements".
Filed under T-Shirt Of The Day
Spit or Swallow?
10:33 AM, Wednesday, 24 January, 2007
One certainly spits in this situation.
Hao had never tried buai before, so we picked some up on Sunday to have a chew. I've chewed it a fair bit but had never taken a photo. I think that you can see why.
Here is the paraphernalia. There are the green buai nuts, which you have to bite open. One here is opened and you can see inside is a nut, about the size of a macadamia nut. It's really really bitter, and makes you salivate a lot - you chew it into paste, and then dip those funny looking green sticks called mustard into the bag of white powder, which is lime, and then add that to the mix and you chew it all up. Continue to dip, and chew. The end result is quite a vivid red goop, which you proceed to spit everywhere at random intervals. It's a mild appetite suppresant, and gives some people hot flushes, head spins, jollies, mouth cancer, whatever. It doesn't do anything to me. Except make my teeth look gross.
Here is Hao biting into the nut. That's as far as he got - he couldn't cope with the nut, let alone the lime and mustard, and spat it out a few seconds later. For the sake of prosperity, and in order to tease him about his girly-girliness, I continued.
This is what it does to your mouth. Note the red stains on my teeth. It takes a lot of brushing to get that out!
And here's some of what I spat out. The longer you chew, the redder it gets. This is all over Port Moresby - on footpaths, roads, walls, trees, gutters, buses, cars, everywhere. Totally yuck.
Filed under Adventures in Deliciousness, EEEEeeekk!!!, Heeheehee...
What One does when One doesn't want to do One's work
12:26 PM, Monday, 22 January, 2007
I am Cranky with my work because it sucks, at the moment.
So in the midst of writing Terse Yet Diplomatic emails to the people who didn't do their job, and Blunt Yet Diplomatic emails to the people in charge of the people who didn't do their job, I'm entertaining myself with the newspaper.
Flash Gordon needs to watch out, because whoever shot Dale still has that slingshot, and they might get him too!
Only in PNG could a member of the opposition get a cabinet seat. That's right, the PM gave a cabinet seat to a member of the opposition party. Only in PNG. Ah, Papua New Guinea.
I'm afraid I can't ge my thumbs up to the new Besta tuna. I just can't. I tried, and I can't.
No, I am not in the centre of a vortex of new ideas, change and confusion! I feel a distinct lack of all three! You lie, stars!
Ooh, jobs! To be a driver, One must be 'Of sober habits'. One is not of sober habits. One can't be a driver. Dang.
Goodness. One must be of sober habits to be a Regional Sales Supervisor Retail Division, too. And to be a Branch Manager, but not to be a Member Service Officer. My career opportunities seem to be quite limited in PNG.
Apparently a wedge-shaped coastline indentation is a ria. That's what it said when I did 16-down and 7-down and 17-down. 7-down is assail, but the clue to 35-across is assail! Weird! What is a table-shaped hill? I got calms with drugs very quickly. And how can a popular drink not be vodka? Ok, material for overalls is apparently denim, which makes a table-shaped hill a mesa. Hmmm.
And I'm just not amused by blondie. Boring little twat.
I don't think the paper is really helping.
Letter to Feiz Muhammad
10:22 AM, Saturday, 20 January, 2007
Dear Feiz,
How are things? Port Moresby is pretty nice at the moment, lovely weather, all that. Work is a bit crappy right now, but I've only got two more months to go so I'll just hang in there.
So what's the go with all of this hate-mongering? I know you don't really like Jewish people, although I can't understand why. I know that John Howard and his posse don't make it easy to be "different" in Australia. But getting cranky about it and blaming other people just won't get you anywhere.
My fiance is Muslim. He doesn't hate anyone, except maybe Ivan Draggo (and that's only because he killed Apollo Creed, and Ivan doesn't really count coz he's made up). He actually loves everyone, even though he was shot in the war and almost blown up. None of his family hates anyone, either - they're a very loving bunch of people. So I know it's not because you're Muslim that you hate people and cause so much trouble. Did someone shoot you and then almost blow you up when you were a child? Is that why you're so angry? Maybe you should talk to Yehia, he managed to get over it.
Maybe you just need a hug.
Anyway, I just wanted to write to you to let you know that you're making my fiance's life a bit difficult. You see, when you are a leader and say nasty things about people, everyone else thinks that you're speaking on behalf of the people that you're supposed to be leading. You're not speaking on behalf of Yehia and his family, and they certainly don't want to be led by you. You're not speaking on behalf of any of the Muslims that I know. You're actually making them a bit cranky, and quite ashamed of you.
So please stop saying nasty things about people.
If you start saying nice things about people, then people will actually like you. They'll realise that you're just a sad and lonely little man with no friends, and maybe they'll invite you out to play. And then you'll laugh and have fun, and realise that although the world is a bit screwed up it's not such a bad place. And then you'll have lots of friends, and you won't have to bully anybody any more. I know it's hard when John Howard says unkind stuff about the things you believe in, and you just want to retaliate. But you can be the bigger man and just let it slide - you don't have to have him for a friend. He says unkind stuff about the things I believe in too, but I know that he's a sad little man with no friends, just like you. So I don't let it worry me too much. You don't need to let it worry you, either. That's what life is all about.
It's just a suggestion.
Anyway, I have to go now. I have coffee to drink and friends to play with. That's the kind of thing that happens when you're nice to people. Take care, and stop being nasty to people, please.
Hugs,
Carolyn
Filed under So they said...
T-Shirt Of The Day
5:19 PM, Tuesday, 16 January, 2007
Today's T-Shirt of the day:
Who's your Baghdaddy?
My. Oh my. Today's T-Shirt Of The Day receives a 7.6 in the category "Oh my".
Filed under T-Shirt Of The Day
The things that we love about PNG, and will miss lots and lots. You see, it's a great place and not bad at all, and I quite like it, like nobody's business!
9:45 AM, Friday, 12 January, 2007
First of all, there is the Deliciousness. One can buy a watermelon, and even say "I carried a watermelon", any day of the week. And a delicious watermelon it will be, especially if one taps it before purchase to make sure that it sounds hollow. The same goes for pineapples, and mangos, and pawpaws, and kaukaus, and bananas, and coffees, and limes, and sugarfruits, and kalamansies, and crayfishies and crabs (although none of these need to be tapped). Many other things, too.
The people are wonderful, especially Non-Stalkers. Even stalkers give one amusement in the moments when one isn't being stalked, and one can tell funny stories about the funny things that they say and do whilst stalking. Because really, they are quite funny. In hindsight.
Papua New Guinean animals are quite special. My particular favourite is the Hornbill, which hops around like a happy hopping hornbill. But there are others, including tree kangaroos and cuscus. There are also many interesting, and sometimes scary, bugs. One must be careful of some animals and bugs as they can bite, but that just brings the element of surprise to the experience.
Place-names are a source of constant amusement, particularly place-names such as "Maprik", "Wapenamanda" and "Wau". They are fun to say and fun to see. Good all-round family entertainment.
Second-hand shopping like no other is to be found in this most excellent county.
Culture, culture, culture. Culture. Culture culture.
The weather. Ah, the weather. In Port Moresby, one doesn't experience anything outside 22-35 degrees, all year round. It's heavenly.
The anecdotes one hears when being introduced to people. For example: "This is X. When he went to a restaurant for the first time in his life, he ate the flower garnish". Or "This is Z. He's adopted, because his father stabbed his mother to death." Or "My name is Y. My husband beats me so I sell peanuts".
Beaches, beaches, beaches. Amusing stories in the newspapers. People. Adventures. Etc.
Filed under Adventures in Deliciousness, Super Dooper, WOW
"How WWIII will Begin", or "Carolyn gets sick of Stupidos"
8:57 AM, Tuesday, 9 January, 2007
I'm sick of men trying to intimidate me.
Yesterday driving home from work when I turned onto the highway a car full of men decided to pick on me. So when I was trying to indicate to get off the lane-thingy-that-you-drive-on-to-get-onto-the-road-but-which-stops-so-you-have-to-get-off-it-before-it-stops they came up beside me, matching my speed, so that I couldn't change lanes. As my lane was petering out they went more and more slowly, so that I was almost stationary at the end of the lane when they drove off, laughing.
Yehia got somewhat annoyed when, out at a nightclub, I was approached by a big-enormous-oh-my-god-how-did-you-get-that-big-without-exploding man who said "Mr Twinkleballs* wants to speak with you". My response, of course, was "What?"
Mr Burly*: Looking burly; "Mr Twinkleballs wants to speak with you. Come."
Carolyn: Shaking head, with best 'whatever' look on face; "Can't you see my husband over there, pole dancing?!" Looks proudly at Yehia, cheers.
Mr Burly: Looking perplexedly at Yehia, feeling more burly; "Mr Twinkleballs wants to speak with you. Come with me."
Carolyn: Making 'Pfft' sounds with disdainful look on face; "No."
Mr Burly: Looking shocked; "Don't you know who Mr Twinkleballs is?"
Carolyn: Looking around and laughing; "Nah!"
Mr Burly leaves. Yehia watches him walk over to Mr Twinkleballs, who turns out to be a Mike Tysonesque figure, known for beating men and women at will - I was told quite sincerely by a friend "you really don't want to make that man angry, Carolyn!". Nice. Yehia watches them for the rest of the night, as Mr Burly approaches woman after woman on behalf of Mr Twinkleballs. We're not sure if anybody knew who he was. Yehia didn't know who he was, but was nonetheless quite unimpressed.
Then there's the stalkers at the university... and the pickup lines... and the rest that I'm not going to tell about here so that nobody freaks out... etc...
Methinks I may have to invest in some kind of body guard. I know a man who in 3 seconds, with no warning, can clear a two-meter radius with one gaseous emission - I wonder if he'd be interested? But then, there's always the risk that I could fall victim to my own defences in a terrible sphincter-related nightmare scenario where in a giant battle the cloud of gas would spread across PNG. John Howard would use his giant sphincter to retaliate against the threat from the north and the cloud would grow... and then Iran and North Korea would open their sphincters... then George Bush would initiate the biggest sphincter-opening event on the planet and the cloud would grow, eventually encompassing the world and blocking the sun and killing all life forms...
*some real names not used
Filed under Crapola, EEEEeeekk!!!
Interesting Things
12:25 PM, Friday, 5 January, 2007
1. Yehia left 2 sleeps ago. Boo-hoo.
2. I Believe that crabs can grow another claw back when they lose their claw. They really can. Yes they can!
3. I'm Not Scared of rats.
4. Tequila is evil.
5. Mushrooms are Just Delicious.
6. I carried a watermelon.
7. Corrupting 7-year-olds is Quite Amusing.
8. Green is Lovely.
9. Overenthusiastic Missionaries are Annoying.
10. I am leaving in 3 months. Eeekk!!!
Filed under So they said...
The wonderful adventures of Yehia and Carolyn, Volume II
1:17 PM, Tuesday, 2 January, 2007
New Year's Resolution: Never EVER drink tequila again. EVER. NEVER. EVER. Tequila = bad. Back to vodka again.
Apart from the tequila, we had a great night at the Gold Club (just as classy as its name implies), watching fireworks in the sky and the remains of fireworks fall down onto the open-air dancefloor and burn people. Driving home we saw Port Moresby Inc. fireworks, aka a flaming car near one of the frequent turn-offs from the nightclub.
Last night we treated friends to a Lebanese cook-up of moghrabieh, and stuffed ourselves silly. Everyone was in bed pretty early due to said stuffage. I was woken up in the middle of the night by about 6 gunshots REALLY close to our compound - Kristen came running into our bedroom just as Yehia woke up to another 6 fired in quick succession (we hear gunfire pretty regularly, but not so close to home). Yehia snuck out onto the balcony to see what was happening while Kristen and I (damsels in distress) hid in my bedroom but there was nothing to be seen. Kristen and I snuck out to check too, but it was just like nothing had ever happened. Another night in Port Moresby.
Happy new year everyone!
Filed under EEEEeeekk!!!, Super Dooper